Lost and Found

I’ve waited so long to grow up, to spring to life and take control of what’s mine that I had forgotten what it takes to grow up. I’ve forgotten the roads I took to get here, and the people who have helped me along the way. I’m stubborn, and childish, and immature to degrees that I never thought capable within myself. I’m so used to yearning for the bigger picture, far out there in the big bad world that I’ve forgotten to see the messy sketch in my hand. The sketch I drew of myself, for myself when I was very young, way before I could read or write. I’ve forgotten how to stop myself from thinking too much about too many things and to let life run its course the way it’s supposed to be, the way it usually does.

I ran away – this time, to actually succeed. I saw someone I love get hurt and perhaps, because of me. I was stubborn, scared in my own way, to admit that I was wrong and instead, ran away in the hope that it will set things right. ย My undeniable logic was that If I disappear, whatever mistakes I did will disappear with me. But life, I’ve learnt, doesn’t work that way. I’ve become selfish and selfless at the same time; Selfish in how I love myself more, over anybody else because I now know that you must love yourself first, before learning to love someone else or letting them love you. Selfless in how I will always love and care about you, and come back without a moment’s hesitance if I’m needed. ย Maybe we would take a long holiday after you get back. Maybe I would actually buy a car. Maybe I will return to where I began. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have – Maybe I could have – What if I hadn’t kissed him? If I were given the chance to go back and change it all, would I do anything differently?

No, I said to myself. I would not.ย If I’ve learned one lesson in the span of a few weeks, it is to not go back. Don’t go back to being in the comfort zone that you are so used to crawling into when the world spits you out. Never get used to being a former “you”. Whatever decisions and mistakes and successes and failures you have done, they are you. And they will always be a part of you. They would have moulded you into being a (hopefully) better person. And you would not be who you are now, had you not been who you were then.ย It took me a while. I had to lose myself to find myself, but I think I found what I was looking for.


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