It took me until this year to really understand the word heartbreak. A friend told me that he felt it when he found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him. His eyes grew big and he became lost in his thoughts as he brought back painful memories. He gestured with his hand, clutched at his chest and showed me how he feels. I used to think, “Ayyo these young children. Can’t handle loss”. But this year, I understood what he meant. It is a literal word that means exactly what it says. The breaking of the heart. You’d expect yourself to die if your heart broke, if your heart stopped working. But here you are crying and kicking and fighting because you are in pain. You feel the physical “break” of your heart, the organ located within your chest cavity and it is very very real.
I think the worst heartbreak is when you lose someone you were meant to be with. It’s not money or property. It’s someone. That’s why lovers get so agitated, so excited and reactive when they lose their lover. They do all sorts of intense shit like drink 20 panadols or walk in front of a train. That’s why mothers and fathers lose their minds, their sense of purpose to live when they lose their child. That’s why friends have nightmares painted in purple or have entire conversations with their dead friend trying to talk some sense into her. But you can’t blame them because their heart is breaking.
You’d think a pain like that goes away with time. It so happens that it doesn’t. The pain you felt on the day you broke your heart, is the same pain you feel 6 months after.
It is not a physical defect of the heart but it sure as hell feels like that.